Understanding Attachment Theory

How your Attachment Style shapes your relationships.

What is Attachment Theory

Do you sometimes notice similar patterns repeating in your relationships, or that you are often drawn to the same type of people? How do you usually feel when entering a new group of friends: at ease, or perhaps a little anxious about finding your place? When you are not invited to a gathering, do feelings of rejection arise? 

Do you sometimes struggle with communication or feel misunderstood by your partner? Do you ever find your relationship with your children more challenging than you would like?

It could come from your attachment bond. 

During therapy, this is what I say to my clients to explain Attachment Theory: Before being an adult, you were a child. When you were born, you needed people to care for you, simply because, children cannot care for themselves. As a child, we are completely vulnerable and independent of the adults, our primary caregivers, our attachment figures. Attachment figures are familiar person who a child wishes to use as a safe haven when the attachment system is activated.  We are emotionally, physically, mentally dependent of our caregiver(s), whoever they are.

The attachment system is thought to be ‘activated’ when the child is distressed, frightened, tired or ill, which may not always be visible in the individual’s behaviour.

The goal of the attachment system is to achieve and maintain the availability of the attachment figure as a safe haven.

From the very beginning, it’s a matter of survival. We must bond with our caregivers. Sometimes this happens naturally, and thanks to the feeling of safety it creates, our brain can grow in a secure way.

But sometimes, for different reasons, that sense of safety doesn’t fully develop. In those situations, the brain finds other ways to cope by creating “survival strategies” to protect us from rejection, abandonment, because being on our own could cause our death…literally. 

Children will shape and adapt themselves to ensure that they never get abandoned or never feel the fear of it. From here, they develop a mental representation of how relationships work such as friendship, parenting, work relationship, partners. 

Mental representations help us interpret and predict our environment, as well as guide our emotions and actions within it.

This representation becomes the template for how the child believes relationships, in general, work, including how they will be treated within them. By creating such a template, the child feels as though they can predict and control their environment.

This survival “strategy” creates our Attachment Style.

Our attachment style is carried with us throughout life, into adolescence and adulthood, and guides our patterns of behaviour. In other words, our adult relationships echo the patterns of our early bonds with caregivers as our brains are wired to expect a continuation of behaviours. 

To summarise, Attachment Theory suggests that our early relationships, with our caregivers, shape how we think, feel, and behave in adulthood and how it impacts psychological function in later life.

Attachment theory is not about love, but about feeling of security. What matters is whether the child felt comforted, accepted and safe enough to rely on their caregiver in times of need.

Until around the age of ten, children do not yet have the maturity to recognise that a caregiver’s reaction may be caused by outside stress or circumstances. Their brain is not developed enough to see things from that perspective. For example, if a parent is often unavailable in the evenings and says, ‘I don’t have time, go play on your own,’ the child may interpret this as rejection or believe they have done something wrong. Over time, this can create a sense of insecurity.

A child’s attachment style is not shaped by one single event, but by the repeated experiences of how their moments of distress are responded to over time.

Origins of the Attachment Theory

Attachment theory has been first mentioned by John Bowlby, British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst in the 1960s. Bowlby believed that the quality of our relationships has a profound impact on a person’s life. Based on his studies and research, he developed attachment theory.. He also emphasised that children adapt to their environment, shaping their way of relating to others according to the conditions around them. This theory is scientifically proven, well-established, and supported by research.

Four Attachment Styles 

There is one secure and three anxious insecure attachments: 

Secure Attachment

The child learns that others can be trusted, and that affection will be received positively. They are modelled healthy ways of regulating emotion, so they learn how to self-soothe. 

In adulthood, we tend to reflect on the ability to ask for help when needed and to express emotions without fear of judgment or shame. For example, a person with secure attachment may feel comfortable crying and demonstrate resilience when facing challenges. They are self-contented, social, warm, and easy to connect to. They are aware of and able to express their feelings. They also tend to build deep, meaningful, and long-lasting relationships. They also feel like they have an impact on the world around them. They don’t question their worth. 

They are comfortable with closeness & mutual dependency. And certainly, they are comfortable being alone and use that time to explore.

Anxious-Avoidant Attachment

The child’s caregivers reject or react punitively towards their expressions of emotion, both positive and negative. The child learns to not express their feelings and self-soothe their own needs to maintain proximity.

Avoidant adults tend to be independent. Their self-esteem is high and they do not rely on others for reassurance or emotional support.

Avoidant attachment in adults may, from the outside, look like self-confidence and self-sufficiency. This is because the avoidant attachment style causes a low tolerance for emotional or physical intimacy and, sometimes, struggles with building long-lasting relationships. Furthermore, in the workplace, adults with avoidant attachment are often seen as the independent, “lone wolf” type. However, due to their self-sufficiency, they may also be high achievers.

For avoidant adults, social interactions and bonds remain on the surface. In order for a relationship to be meaningful and fulfilling, it has to become deep. That’s when you would ‘hit a wall’ when dealing with avoidant attachment style and relationships.

These individuals will let you be around them, but will not let you in. They tend to avoid strong displays of closeness and intimacy. As soon as things get serious, dismissive/avoidant individuals are likely to close themselves off.

At this point, such people might try to find a reason to end a relationship. They might be highly annoyed by their partner’s behaviour, habit, or even physical appearance. Consequently, they start drifting off and distancing themselves from the partner. Adults with this attachment style believe that they do not need emotional intimacy in their lives.

Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment 

Most often, anxious attachment is due to unresponsive and inconsistent parenting.

Low self-esteem, strong fear of rejection or abandonment, and clinginess in relationships are common signs of this attachment style. Although it does require effort, individuals with such attachment issues can develop a secure attachment style over time.

If the loved one rejects them or fails to respond to their needs, they might blame themselves or label themselves as not being worthy of love.

Generally, adults with anxious attachment need constant reassurance that they are loved, worthy, and good enough.

The strong fear of abandonment might often cause anxious adults to be intensely jealous or suspicious of their partners.

This fear might also lead them to become desperate, clingy, and preoccupied with their relationships. Adults with an anxious attachment style are often afraid of or even incapable of being alone.

They seek intimacy and closeness and are highly emotional and dependent on others. The presence of the loved one appears to be a remedy for their strong emotional needs.

It might cause anxiety, stress, unhappiness, and low life satisfaction. When it comes to adults with anxious attachment styles, relationships might be both ‘life-saving’ and ‘life-threatening’.

On the one hand, the fear of being alone or being rejected is the poison, a disturbing feeling, which leads to constant doubt and worry. On the other hand, the presence of the loved one, and more importantly, their demonstration of affection is the remedy.

Furthermore, an anxious individual might be insecure about where they stand in a relationship and whether their partner loves them as much as they do in return. Consequently, the slightest disappointment or sign of rejection from the partner could be harmful to the already low self-esteem. 

Disorganised Attachment

The disorganised attachment style is believed to be a consequence of childhood trauma or abuse. Perceived fear is the central aspect of its development.

The child knows that, he seeks safety in the caregivers for survival. A problem arises when the source of safety becomes a source of fear. 

If the caregivers show highly contrasting behaviour, which is inconsistent and unpredictable, the child can start fearing his or her own safety. The child is not able to truly adapt to the caregivers’ behaviour and the brain is unable to form a consistent strategy.

The child does not know what to expect. Nor does the child know when the caregiver will meet their needs, if at all.

Another reason for fear is having or witnessing a traumatizing experience that involves the attachment figure.

For instance, the caregiver abuses the child (verbally, physically, or sexually) or the child witnesses the caregiver abuse someone else.

Either way, the child no longer trusts the caregiver as he realises that he cannot rely on caregivers to meet their physical or emotional needs.

Such children lack coherence in their own behaviour towards the caregivers: they might seek closeness, but at the same time, reject the caregivers’ proximity and distance themselves, due to fear.

Adults with a disorganised attachment style in relationships lack of a coherent approach. On one hand, they want to belong, they want to love and be loved.

While on the other hand, they are afraid to let anyone in. They have a strong fear that the people who are closest to them will hurt them.

Adults with a disorganised attachment style fear intimacy and avoid proximity, similar to individuals with an avoidant attachment style. The main difference for disorganised adults is that they want relationships.

These adults expect and are waiting for the rejection, disappointment, and hurt to come. In their perception, it is inevitable. 
They do not reject emotional intimacy; they are simply afraid of it. Adults with a disorganised attachment style continue to view the attachment figure (once, their caregiver, and now, their partner) as unpredictable.

They have trouble believing that their partner will love and support them as they are. 

This mindset can turn into a form of self-sabotage, causing the disorganised adult to end a relationship prematurely.

An adult with disorganised attachment style chooses partners that induce fear. Thus, confirming their perception that they can’t trust other people (emotionally or physically), no matter what.

Can we change our attachment style? 

We cannot change the past or rewrite the attachment experiences on which we were built. However, as adults, we do have the responsibility, the possibility, and the capacity to adjust the patterns or strategies we once developed. This begins with understanding who we are and asking ourselves why we react in certain ways. Are these responses still effective and adapted to my adult life? For example, constantly pleasing others or avoiding the expression of emotions. Do these strategies serve me, or do they hold me back? It is important to remember that others are not here to meet all of our needs, only we can take responsibility for that.

How to do the work

Healing our wounds and working on our attachment style is a gradual process that begins with awareness. By recognising the patterns, we developed in childhood to feel safe, we can start to understand how these strategies show up in our adult relationships. 

From there, several pathways can support healing: reparenting with care and patience, working with a therapist who can provide guidance.

Also, the more you learn about attachment, the more power you have to understand your patterns and create meaningful change in your life. 

Taking care of yourself along the way is essential; practising curiosity instead of judgment, and cultivating compassion and empathy toward yourself. These practices help create new experiences of security, allowing the nervous system to learn that emotions can be expressed without fear, and that it is possible to build trust and resilience in the present.

Reparenting in therapy refers to the process of giving yourself, as an adult, some of the care, safety, and nurturing that may have been missing or inconsistent in childhood. It does not mean replacing or blaming parents, but rather recognising the unmet needs of your inner child and learning how to respond to them with kindness.

When your patterns create suffering in adult life: in your relationships with friends, partners, work, kids, with money, it is important to take a closer look. These patterns are the result of conditioning, but the good news is that the brain is adaptable. As adults, we have the ability to ‘reprogram’ our internal system and create new responses. 

Why it is important to know (and to work) on our attachment style? 

Understanding and working on our attachment style is important because it shapes the way we relate to others, manage our emotions, and respond to stress. According to research, the impact of stress on the body is undeniable, and its consequences are numerous: contributing, for example, to higher risks of cancer, mental illness, addictions, and more.

Our attachment patterns often influence how safe we feel in relationships, how easily we trust, and how we cope with conflict or distance. By becoming aware of these patterns, we can begin to make conscious changes, creating healthier relationships, improving emotional well-being, and building a stronger sense of security within ourselves.

My Approach as a Counsellor

For me, one of the most important goal is to create a space where my clients feel safe enough to express their feelings and emotions. Many have experienced insecurity in the past, especially in the way attachment bonds were formed. That is why I prioritise building a relationship of trust, where their internal alarm does not get triggered.  We don’t necessarily review all the past, we can use the present. The human relationship and connection are always at the centre of the work we do together. As I often remind my clients, counselling is teamwork; they are not alone in facing their fears.

I tell my clients: “I see you, I hear you, I believe you”.  From there, I begin my work using tools such as the Adult Attachment Interview, which offers crucial insights into the kind of environment they grew up in and the attachment style that may have developed. This allows me to tailor the support even more precisely, while also helping clients reflect on their own story, understand how it impacts their current life, and identify strategies to gradually shift their attachment style towards greater security and self-trust.

I take time to truly get to know each client. I observe their body language, listen carefully to their words and the themes that repeat, and adapt my approach so they can feel supported and equal in the therapeutic space. I do not pretend to have all the answers. Just like my clients, I am also learning, growing, and staying curious. I encourage curiosity in them too: instead of judgment, we ask questions such as, “Why do I react this way? What am I afraid of? What are the risks?” Along the way, I pay attention to what comforts them, and how they make sense of their experiences.

I am not a maternal figure replacing something that was missing in the past, but rather a figure of trust in the present. Empathy and compassion are essential in this work. Each person has their own story.

You are enough.