A Holistic Guide to Recognising, Healing, and Transforming Perfectionistic Patterns

Breaking Free from Perfectionism

Perfectionism is an interesting term which may mean different things to different people or in different contexts. In the busy, modern 21st century world, the identity of the “perfectionist” is often one which is associated with positive qualities such as having a great attention to detail, as well as an ability to focus diligently on a task to achieve stellar results in projects. There can however be a dark side to perfectionism, to the extent that these patterns of thought and behaviour contribute to a significant burden on both mental and physical health.

In this article we will explore the concept of perfectionism, defining what it is, how it may show up in your life, and how you can traverse the limiting aspects of perfectionism while also harnessing its liberating aspects. We will also briefly explore how using a tool like Emotion Release Technique™ (ERT) can help in a targeted way to address your unique emotional and subconscious drivers of perfectionism.

Understanding perfectionism

So, what is perfectionism? Researchers in this area define perfectionism as “a personality dimension characterised by a constant striving for excessively high standards or flawless performance and often accompanied by over concern about evaluations of the behaviour”.

We will revisit the concepts within this definition throughout this article, however let’s first dive into what the research says about this interesting trait. Perfectionism, like any trait, is neither “good” nor “bad” as such. It is merely an adaptation that our nervous system has made in response to the experiences we have had growing up. Our experiences at home, school, work, and out in the world shape and condition our nervous system to respond to different situations in ways which help us to feel safe.

Adaptive vs maladaptive perfectionism: 

In this respect, perfectionism can either be adaptive or maladaptive. Maladaptive essentially refers to an adaptation that we have taken on that is not actually helpful to us when we look at the bigger picture, even if our nervous system is conditioned to engage the adaptation as (what it perceives to be) a matter of survival. People with maladaptive perfectionism are relatively inflexible and unable to tolerate mistakes or diversions from their ideal plan, which can derail them and their efforts, whereas adaptive perfectionists can still remain goal-oriented and focused with a level of flexibility, allowing for occasional diversions and mistakes.

The physical and mental health consequences of maladaptive perfectionism

Maladaptive perfectionism can contribute to a plethora of negative health impacts including: 

• Depression

• Anxiety 

• Eating disorders

• Chronic fatigue

• Addictions, and more 

Taking a step back though, what does maladaptive perfectionism look like on a day to day basis? This could look like over-striving, excessive care-giving (attempting to be the perfect parent, partner, etc), overthinking, excessively controlling behaviour, and self-sabotage. All this leads to feeling mentally and physically drained, eventually leading to burnout, brain fog, mental fatigue and overall exhaustion.

People struggling with perfectionist tendencies which are not well adapted can also deal with significant social isolation, as they can often feel alone in their seemingly never-ending pursuit of perfection. This can mean they are hesitant to admit or disclose that the maladaptive tendencies and behaviours are a problem, since this may predispose them to feeling incapable or at least being perceived as incapable.

Types of perfectionism 

According to the scientific literature, perfectionism can be classed into three categories, including self-oriented perfectionism, socially prescribed perfectionism, and other-oriented perfectionism.

1. Self-oriented perfectionism

Self-oriented perfectionism: involves setting excessively high standards and perfectionistic motivation toward oneself. 

2. Socially prescribed perfectionism

Socially prescribed perfectionism appears to be driven by the beliefs someone has about others’ expectations for oneself, so essentially the perception we assume people have of us, which therefore drives how we think and behave. 

3. Other-oriented perfectionism.

The third type, other-oriented perfectionism is when we find ourselves setting an unrealistic standard for the performance of significant others.

Do any of the above features seem familiar or applicable to your own situation? It is worth bearing in mind also that no one person will necessarily fit neatly into any one of the above three categories. As humans we are complex, and so trying to neatly categorise the lived human experience into boxes and labels is not always helpful, and often not possible. However, understanding these types of perfectionism will help you understand the wider concept of perfectionism better.

The psychological landscape of perfectionism 

So where does perfectionism originate from? While there may be numerous underlying emotional drivers based on our life experiences which drive perfectionism, let me explain the origin of perfectionism from within the context of the types of perfectionism we introduced in the previous section.

In my clinical practice, what I notice is that many people identify with the description of self-oriented perfectionism. In these cases, we might say, “yes, I am the one who sets the expectations and high standards for myself”. 

We feel that the drive to achieve and to set and meet high standards is coming solely from within us. This is what we may see on the surface, however if we explore further, we may notice something deeper. 

Any belief you hold about the world has come from the culmination of all your lived experience leading up until now. Your experiences have shaped the person you are today. So whilst you may feel that the very high standards you set, and the high level of striving you partake in comes from within you, it is worth asking the question - where did this come from? Where did the belief that you needed to prove your worth through your success and striving actually stem from?

Understanding the patterns leading to perfectionism 

No individual is born into the world thinking they need to do better or be better. A newborn baby has no concept of being (or not being) “enough” as they are. So let us revisit the question - where did the pattern to excessively strive and seek perfection come from? 

Throughout your developmental years, you observed, you watched, and you soaked up what was happening around you, as children do. So the tendencies of perfectionism that you may feel come from within you, may actually not be yours at all. 

With this understanding, if we are to look for the underlying root of the perfectionistic pattern, then we find that what we may perceive as self-oriented perfectionism is actually socially prescribed perfectionism, in that our thoughts and behaviours may actually be driven by how we think others will perceive us. 

In this respect, the term “socially prescribed” perfectionism could be seen as a misnomer, since the perfectionism is still driven by the beliefs one has about others’ expectations. Note it is the belief of what others expect, not necessarily actually what others expect that fuels this pattern of thinking and behaving. 

If we have internalised the perceived expectations of others, those expectations become our own. Hopefully you can see how this illustrates how the various “types” of perfectionism may not be so clear cut, but they nonetheless still affect us on a very deep level.

The take home message here is this: Perfectionism comes from our beliefs about us and the world around us, and these beliefs come from our lived experience, from the moment we were born until now – but particularly in those crucial developmental years when we were growing up as children. 

Our upbringing and the culture we live in has a huge impact here too. For example, the busy, bustling modern 21st century world we live in encourages competition at work and school, working long hours, going “above and beyond”, and so on - this in itself could be the topic of an entire blog post! Let us now explore how to traverse perfectionism in our daily lives.

Holistic healing approaches for addressing maladaptive perfectionism:

The goal in any therapy involved with helping people with perfectionism is to effectively process the limiting aspects of perfectionism, so that the helpful, more liberating aspects can shine through. Two of the most well known researchers on the topic of perfectionism Gordon Flett and Paul Hewitt have stated:

“Interventions must be tailored to address the cognitive and emotion regulation vulnerabilities of perfectionists and their meta-cognitive beliefs about ability, the self, and the meaning of failure.”

My professional perspective on the above statement is that I don’t entirely resonate with the use of the word “interventions”, as this insinuates perfectionism is a disorder that needs correcting. It pathologises perfectionism, and makes it a “dis-ease”, rather than a part of the human experience. 

However, the message underlying Flett and Hewitt’s statement that I find useful, is when they mention the role of “emotion regulation vulnerabilities of perfectionists”, and their “beliefs about their self, their own ability, and what failure actually means to them”.

How ERT works for perfectionism

This is important, because what I have found clinically in my practice is that addressing these aspects - the emotions and the beliefs - are what really drive meaningful change for people dealing with perfectionism, thereby helping them to move from the maladaptive or limiting side, to the more adaptive or liberating side of perfectionism. 

It is in this gradual transition from the limiting to the liberating that we start to see less of those negative impacts, (i.e. the over-striving, the pushing, the excessively controlling behaviour, the burnout, all the way to the depression, narcissism, addictions, and so on).

Instead, we actually start to see the more liberating parts of perfectionism start to take the lead. This can only happen when we address the underlying emotions and beliefs, and when we chip away at the underlying conditioning that fuels the negative traits, we start to make shifts which help “tip the scale” towards more positive traits.

Additional healing tools to use alongside ERT:

There are countless tools and strategies you can engage with to help investigate and address the underlying subconscious drivers influencing how perfectionism shows up in your everyday life. Any modality that encourages and facilitates an exploration into one’s awareness of the self can be helpful, however it is also worth noting that some of the more common approaches that are often used for mental health support may not be appropriate for people with highly perfectionistic tendencies. 

For example, more conventional therapeutic techniques such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and certain mindfulness techniques could potentially exacerbate traits of maladaptive perfectionism such as overconcern, fixating, and ruminating on one’s own actions and behaviour. In such cases, tools which can directly address the subconscious, autonomic aspects within the nervous system without the need to rely so much on conscious recall and self-analysis are often preferred and can yield better outcomes, such as Emotion Release Technique™ (ERT).

ERT helps process emotional blocks we may subconsciously hold which drive our beliefs, thoughts, and behaviours by engaging with the body directly. Using a combination of points around the body, including pulse points at the wrist, the ERT process serves to engage your nervous system so that the physiological process of shifting emotions allows you to process and clear the specific emotions underlying a particular prompt. 

Examples of prompts may be a sentence stated out loud, a recollection of a memory, or an imagined scenario. For example, common prompts I use for people dealing with perfectionism may include sentences like, “I am safe even if I fail”, “I am worthy regardless of what I achieve”, “I am okay even if I don’t get 100% on my exam”, and so on.

What to expect in an ERT session:

If you are curious about what to expect in an ERT session, the process can look different for everyone, however one common feature is that people using the technique find that emotions move through and integrate fairly quickly and efficiently. 

This is one of the reasons ERT is an ideal tool to use for perfectionism, because it bypasses the need to fixate or analyse things as they come up, and instead allows you to directly and efficiently process what is coming up in the moment. 

This attribute makes ERT an excellent therapeutic tool for nervous system regulation for people experiencing anxiety, traumatic stress, or for people who would like to process emotions and feel better without talking too much (or at all) during sessions.

Life beyond perfectionism - the benefits of ERT:

If you experience perfectionism in your life, it is important to note that you can harness these tendencies to support you, rather than deplete you. I like to frame perfectionism as either limiting (maladaptive) or liberating (adaptive). If perfectionism is working for you, rather than against you, it can look like this:

• A sense of vigour and vitality in what you do

• Great enthusiasm and life ambition

• A high standard of care

• Achievement (and being able to acknowledge and celebrate this!)

• Increased self-esteem, resulting in better confidence

• A profound sense of purpose

• Improved ability to adapt to daily stress

• Enhanced productivity

• Heightened life satisfaction

Ideally, we can minimise the limiting traits whilst simultaneously building up and expanding the liberating aspects using a tool like ERT to recondition the nervous system to feel at ease with uncertainty that otherwise feeds the fear of perfectionism, and enjoying the process, rather than fixating on unachievable outcomes.

Moving Forward: Life Beyond Perfectionism:

There is a life beyond perfectionism, and you can work toward this by affording yourself the compassion you deserve, no matter where you are in your life at this moment. With this in mind, I will leave you with a quote from Flett and Hewitt illustrating just how important it is to give yourself a little more compassion, each and every day as you work through whatever you are dealing with:

“The axiom “Nobody is perfect” should be a source of comfort for most people because even when they make horrendous mistakes, they can always remind themselves in a self-compassionate way that they are only human. Unfortunately, the very people who are perhaps most in need of remembering that no one is perfect are perfectionists and they tend to be among the people who are least likely to be self-compassionate.”

You don’t need permission to give yourself a break, but if you’ve read this far, take this as a sign to give yourself some self-compassion today, and of course if you would like any support traversing your own experience with perfectionism, please get in touch with me here on Bodhi Holistic Hub to explore using ERT.

References:

1. Juwono, I. D., Kun, B., Demetrovics, Z., & Urbán, R. (2023). Healthy and unhealthy dimensions of perfectionism: Perfectionism and mental health in Hungarian adults. International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction, 21(5), 3017-3032.

2. Thomas, M., & Bigatti, S. (2020). Perfectionism, impostor phenomenon, and mental health in medicine: a literature review. International journal of medical education, 11, 201.

3. Flett, G. L., & Hewitt, P. L. (2014). A proposed framework for preventing perfectionism and promoting resilience and mental health among vulnerable children and adolescents. Psychology in the Schools, 51(9), 899-912.

4. Hewitt, P. L., Flett, G. L., Turnbull-Donovan, W., & Mikail, S. F. (1991). The Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale: Reliability, validity, and psychometric properties in psychiatric samples. Psychological Assessment: A Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 3(3), 464.