Toxic Relationships and the Patterns That Keep You Stuck — And How to Finally Break Free

A holistic counsellor and Reiki master explains how attachment patterns and inner child wounds keep us cycling through toxic relationships — and what it actually takes to break the cycle.

I always used to have difficulty understanding why someone would love me.

I stayed in my marriage long after it had run its course because I felt the burden of responsibility for making it work. I told myself it was for the children, but truthfully I couldn't bear the shame of admitting my marriage had failed. Leaving felt like failure — like confirmation of an unbearable truth, that I was unloveable.

When my marriage ended, I wasn't ready to sit with the grief. Instead, I found comfort in another relationship. It looked completely different to my marriage: where my former husband was deeply dependent on me, this man was fiercely independent. The freedom felt refreshing.

What I couldn't see at the time was that I hadn't escaped the pattern at all. I'd simply swung to the opposite end of the attachment spectrum.

But that wasn't all. This new relationship felt different — we shared a deep soul connection, one that felt bigger than both of us.

We also triggered every wound the other carried.

Neither of us felt worthy of the love we had found. We both thought the other was in love with the mask we'd created to survive life, not the real person underneath, and we were scared that if we showed each other who we really were, the other person would leave. Neither of us believed we were enough, as we were.

So we did the only thing that felt safe.

We walked away.

It was that relationship that made me want to be a better version of myself, for myself — to rise to meet real love. Because I wanted to become someone who could receive the kind of love I had always longed for.

That journey eventually led me to become a counsellor.

Looking back now, I don't believe my relationships failed because I chose the wrong people. They reflected the relationship I had with myself. Until I understood my attachment patterns, my nervous system, and my inner child and ancestral wounds, I couldn't see that I was unconsciously choosing what felt familiar over what was actually healthy.

That is the pattern I now help clients understand and heal.

Why do we keep ending up in the same kinds of relationships?

If insight alone was enough, there would be very few unhealthy relationships.

The reality is that relationships are not chosen by the thinking mind alone — they are filtered through the nervous system. Long before we understood what love was, we were learning what it felt like.

As children, our caregivers become our blueprint for relationships. They teach us whether love feels safe or unpredictable, whether our needs matter, whether we have to earn affection, and whether conflict leads to repair or rejection. Those experiences become the template we carry into adulthood.

This is the foundation of attachment: your nervous system isn't looking for what is healthiest — it's looking for what is familiar.

That is why:

• Someone raised with inconsistency may find consistency boring.
• Someone who learnt that love must be earned may repeatedly over-give.
• Someone who experienced emotional distance may feel strangely drawn to emotionally unavailable partners.

This is your ingenious nervous system trying to regulate itself.

And underneath all of this sits the inner child — the younger you that formed beliefs about love, safety, and worth before you had the language to question them. Perhaps you learnt:

"I'm too much." "I have to keep everyone happy." "People always leave." "Love has to be earned."

Those beliefs don't disappear simply because we become adults. They influence who we trust, who we chase, what we tolerate, and what feels like love.

This is why understanding your patterns intellectually is only the beginning. Understanding why you keep perpetuating them, and meeting that underlying need within yourself, is the key driver of change.

Once you start to acknowledge that you are capable of meeting those needs for safety and security within yourself — once you clear the energy attached to the old version of you that plays small or shrinks to fit in — you notice you have anchored a new level of freedom within. One that doesn't require external validation, but instead honours your own experience first.

What makes a relationship toxic — and why is it sometimes hard to see?

A toxic relationship is one where the overall pattern consistently undermines one or both people's wellbeing, self-worth, or sense of reality. Sometimes that looks like obvious abuse. More often it looks much subtler, and can be difficult to detect.

Think:

• Criticism disguised as honesty, or control that looks like care
• Emotional unavailability
• Walking on eggshells
• Always being the one who apologises
• Giving more than you receive
• Feeling lonely while lying beside someone

The difficulty is that toxic relationships are rarely toxic all the time. If they were, nobody would stay.

Instead they operate in cycles:

Connection ➝ Distance ➝ Conflict ➝ Repair ➝ Hope ➝ Repeat.

Those moments of connection become incredibly powerful, because they relieve the emotional pain created by the relationship itself. This is one of the reasons trauma bonds become so difficult to break — our brain begins craving the relief just as much as it fears the pain, and we believe in the good moments so strongly that they undermine our recognition of the bad.

People often tell me, "But when it's good, it's really good." I believe them. But that doesn't mean it's healthy.

Attachment wounds can make intensity feel like intimacy. The push-pull dynamic creates emotional highs that are easily mistaken for passion. Calm can feel unfamiliar, and consistency can feel boring or dispassionate. Being treated well can even feel uncomfortable, because it challenges everything your nervous system learnt about love.

Eventually we reach a point where we recognise that our innermost needs are not being met. That realisation incites a myriad of feelings, from grief and confusion to hope that things will improve. And yet you might stay out of fear of being alone. You might stay because you can see the other person's potential. You might feel compassion for their wounds.

You might also feel ashamed for wanting to stay.

All of those emotions can exist at the same time.

Leaving is often about letting go of the story you've been telling yourself about what love is supposed to feel like — and that can be much harder than the physical act of walking away.

What is attachment theory, and how does it explain toxic relationship patterns?

Attachment theory was developed by British psychiatrist John Bowlby, who recognised that the quality of our earliest relationships shapes the way we experience relationships throughout life.

It's important to remember that most parents did the best they could with the emotional resources they had — and quite often they inherited trauma themselves.

Generally speaking, attachment falls into four broad styles:

• Secure attachment develops when a child experiences enough safety, consistency, and emotional attunement. As adults, these individuals are usually comfortable with both intimacy and independence.
• Anxious attachment often develops when care was inconsistent — love sometimes felt available and sometimes didn't. Adults with anxious attachment may fear abandonment, overthink relationships, people-please, or give far more than they receive.
• Avoidant attachment often develops when emotional needs were minimised, or independence was rewarded too early. These adults can value connection deeply, yet struggle with vulnerability or emotional closeness.
• Disorganised attachment is the most complex. It often develops when the person who was meant to provide safety also became a source of fear. As adults, relationships can feel both desperately wanted and deeply threatening.

One of the most common dynamics I see is anxious and avoidant attachment finding each other. While one partner moves closer, the other pulls away. The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws.

Neither person is wrong, and neither is trying to hurt the other. Both nervous systems are simply trying to feel safe.

Understanding your attachment style is about replacing shame with understanding — because once you can see the pattern, you realise it is not who you are. It is simply a maladaptive behaviour you developed to protect yourself from harm.

What is inner child healing, and how does it change relationship patterns?

Inside each of us resides our inner child: the childhood version of self that remembers what it needed and what it experienced. It remembers the grief, the lack of safety, the ridicule, embarrassment, or shame — and it also remembers the joy, the sweet moments, and the connection.

It stores this memory, and then our adult life is created through the very same lens. That is why the inner child holds the key to a successful, happy, and loving future.

In adult relationships, inner child wounds often show up as:

• Over-giving to maintain connection
• Struggling to set boundaries without guilt
• Feeling anxious when things are going well
• Tolerating behaviour that doesn't feel emotionally safe
• Needing reassurance but feeling ashamed for needing it
• Trying harder instead of stepping back

These are all protective mechanisms, adopted in childhood to maintain a sense of safety. Our relationship with our primary caregivers needed to be maintained at all costs — they were responsible for our survival. They provided the roof over our heads, the food we ate, the clothes we wore. Without them, we would have had nothing. So we sacrificed the one thing we had to maintain that connection: our true innermost selves.

Feeling safe once was an imperative connected to our survival. But in adulthood, it stands in the way of authentic connection and true intimacy.

Inner child healing is about meeting the part of you that is still living inside those early conclusions. It's about acknowledging your adult capacity to meet your own needs for safety, protection, and love — and reassuring that child self within that all is okay now.

You can be vulnerable. You are not going to die. You are loveable. It is safe to be seen.

Once you are able to anchor those beliefs within, your external reality shifts. You realise that you are all the reassurance, acceptance, and safety you need. You begin to need it less externally, and become more confident to stand in your truth even when it is at odds with those around you.

Compromising yourself for those around you begins to feel less safe than honouring your needs.

This is the shift that changes your experience of relationships entirely. This is the point where boundaries become second nature and kindness becomes a way of life.

How do you actually leave a toxic relationship — and why is it so hard?

Leaving is a process, and for many people it happens more than once.

Going back does not mean you are weak. It often means the attachment system is still trying to resolve an internal conflict: the pull between emotional safety and emotional familiarity.

There is also neuroscience at play. Trauma bonding is not just a psychological concept — it is biochemical. When a relationship alternates between connection and distress, the brain begins to link relief with attachment. Dopamine spikes during reconciliation, and stress chemicals rise during disconnection.

The nervous system starts chasing resolution, because we have confused redemption with love. Deep down we sense that distance equals discomfort, abandonment, rejection, and a sense of unworthiness. If we are not yet ready to heal those wounds, they will continue to determine our actions. Much like addiction, we use the relationship to soothe our internal discomfort — a band-aid so we don't have to look at the wounds underneath.

This is why leaving can feel physically difficult and emotionally painful.

There are also very real external factors:

• Financial dependence
• Children
• Shared lives
• Social pressure
• Isolation
• Fear of starting again
• Grief for what was hoped for

And often, a deep internal narrative that says: "This is the best I can do." Or: "I might not find anything better." Or: "Maybe this is just what love is for me."

This is why leaving a toxic relationship safely often requires support — not just practical support, but emotional and relational support that helps regulate what is happening internally while the external changes unfold.

And importantly, leaving without addressing the underlying attachment wound can sometimes lead to repeating the same pattern with someone new. Because the heart, the mind, and the nervous system haven't yet updated their definition of safety.

What does healing from toxic relationship patterns actually involve?

Healing is about becoming someone who no longer confuses intensity with intimacy.

It begins with understanding the pattern as something that once protected you, then bringing awareness to the wound underneath it — being present, and noticing what is actually there and how this relationship actually makes you feel, mentally, emotionally, and physically.

The body plays a significant role in this process, because relational trauma is also held physically. You might notice:

• Your breath tightens when conflict appears
• Your stomach drops when silence comes after closeness
• Your nervous system stays on alert even when things appear calm

This is why purely cognitive insight often isn't enough — the body must be included in the healing process, through regulation, awareness, and experiences of felt safety.

Once you are able to see the ways a relationship is impacting you on all levels, you start to question whether partnership with this person is worth the cost to your wellbeing.

This is when:

• Boundaries begin to shift naturally, as an extension of self-respect
• You stop abandoning yourself to maintain connection
• Over-giving begins losing its grip
• You let go of the desire to people-please, choosing to prioritise your own needs instead
• The urgency to be chosen begins to release

Genuine change is not the arrival of a perfect relationship — it is the emergence of a different relationship with yourself. And from that place, healthier relationships naturally follow.

What does a session with you actually involve?

First and foremost, a session begins with creating safety. There is no pressure to show up in a certain way. Establishing a foundation of trust is my first priority, so I will lead the conversation while we get to know each other — over a cup of herbal tea, if you're local.

An initial session explores your present experience of relationships of all kinds, both the challenges and the patterns underneath them. We begin to notice your stories, the underlying drivers of your decision-making, and the fears and challenges keeping you stuck.

Over time and subsequent sessions, we unravel your childhood experiences where they relate to your current situation. We delve into the disappointments of your childhood and explore the parts of you that developed out of a need to feel safe. Slowly, we begin releasing those parts of your identity.

Depending on what is needed, sessions may include EFT, guided reflection, or visualisation practices that help shift emotional and somatic patterns, not just cognitive ones.

The counselling component and the energetic work support each other. While the conversation brings clarity and new insights, the body-based and energetic work supports integration. Reiki, meditation, or crystal-based practices may be used to help settle the nervous system, restore balance, and support emotional processing after deeper work has taken place.

An Integrated Holistic Counselling session is 90 minutes — because real change takes time to unfold.

Closing reflection

If you recognise yourself in these patterns, you are not alone. Perhaps you have ended relationships, tried to change, and found the same pattern showing up again with someone new. Many people find themselves repeating the same experiences without understanding why, despite insight, effort, or every intention to do things differently.

The shift does not come from trying harder or being more disciplined. It comes from understanding more deeply what the pattern was protecting in the first place. While talk therapy exposes the cognitive layer of the healing process, energy work supports you to release your subconscious attachment to those patterns, and allows your body to surrender to vulnerability without feeling threatened.

In your first session, we will begin making sense of the pattern by exploring where it actually lives, and the wound underneath it — not just the surface of what happened, but the wound beneath it. Because often, these stories about who you are were never truly yours to begin with.

Frequently Asked Questions

What makes a relationship toxic?
A relationship becomes toxic when the ongoing patterns consistently erode your sense of safety, self-worth, or wellbeing. In contrast, a healthy relationship fills you up, supporting you to become the best version of yourself.

Why do I keep attracting the same kind of partner?
Because childhood establishes a sense of familiarity that the nervous system often prioritises over compatibility or shared values.

What is attachment theory?
Attachment theory explains how our formative experiences and early relationships shape our adult relationship patterns.

What is trauma bonding?
Trauma bonding occurs when the body reacts in familiar ways to cycles of distress and relief. It's an attachment formed through the nervous system seeking what feels familiar, rather than a true emotional connection built on shared values and compatibility.

What is inner child healing?
Inner child healing is a process of observing and integrating childhood wounds that continue to influence adult relationships.

How do I leave a toxic relationship?
Often gradually, as new awareness comes to light and higher levels of self-esteem have time to ground. This is usually a process that evolves over time, with ongoing practical and emotional support, that eventually compounds into an undeniable truth grounded in self-love.

Why do I keep going back?
Because the attachment system is still seeking resolution and familiarity, and there's a mismatch between what the heart feels and what the mind knows. Only once all parts of consciousness are aligned can true detachment take place.

How many sessions does it take?
It varies, depending on the depth of the patterns and your readiness for change.

How is holistic counselling different?
Holistic counselling acknowledges and nurtures all aspects of self — emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual. It integrates talk therapy with body-based and energetic approaches to support deeper processing and the release of old, limiting energies.

Note: If you are in immediate danger or experiencing domestic or family violence, please contact 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) or, in an emergency, call 000.